


If you only listen with your ears I can't get in

by Qpenguin98



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mute Dave, Muteness, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Sadstuck, Strider Feels, but i managed to get my pale bros and red rom in here so success, dirks sorta pining after jake a bit, hehe, im just a mean person, its an agressive mute too like accidentally went mute aw shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-03-09 22:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3266909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If damaged badly enough, vocal cords can tear and leave you unable to speak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave

Family dinners were never yours or Dirk’s strong point. Having to sit down for hours on end without being able to get up? Not so much. Which made school a living breathing hell. But surrounded by family the entire time? You felt like you were going to explode.

It was you, Dirk, and Bro on your side of the family, and Rose, Roxy, and Aunt Lalonde on the other. You and your brothers came up came up for Christmas, your turn to travel this year. And right now, at the dinner table, you feel so jittery that you accidentally knock the salt over onto Dirk.

“Yo, watch it.”

You don’t even think before replying. “You watch it, fuck face.”

“Fuck face? Pretty sure that’s you.”

You can hear your four family members snickering in the background. “How exactly am I the fuck face, shit head? Is it because of the fact that I actually get some while you’re stuck pining over jungle boy?”

Dirk’s shoulders tense up and you knew that nerve hit would work. “Oh fuck off. It not like you and ‘I’m not a homosexual!’ are actually gonna work out. He’s just using you for your dick because you’re the only gay friend he has and there’s way too much sexual tension between the two of you.”

“Fuck you! John’s not using me for my fucking dick, you asshole. And clearly you’re not getting your sexual tension sorted out, seeing as you send your current obsession robots to beat him the fuck into the ground.”

Dirk starts yelling bullshit insults at you and you definitely can’t let him get the upper hand in this so you yell bullshit insults right back at him. You’re not even phased by anything he says until he brings up your weak point.

“God, you and your bitch mouth. You look like a fucking beaver with the tooth gap you’ve got going on. An albino fucking beaver.”

You’re pretty sure Bro’s got his phone out for filming and you’re glad because if this gets any worse you want to watch yourself punch him into the nearest wall. “At least I don’t look like bad fanart of Sonic the Weaboo Fucking Hedgehog!”

Your voice cracked at the end of hedgehog and you’re not sure why, but you do know that your throat is hurting like a bitch. You cough to clear it a few times. Dirk takes that as an added insult.

“Oh way to make fun of me you fucker. At least my voice doesn’t crack when I get in a screaming match!”

You scream something pretty low that your cousins probably never needed to hear about Dirk and your voice breaks the entire way through. “At least I don’t fuck myself with puppets whenever I get pent up about my oblivious best friend!”

Oh holy shit your throat feels raw and none of your coughing helps anything. Dirk looks livid with you.

“At least I don’t use the cling and fuck it better tactic whenever my boyfriend’s mad at me.”

“You don’t even ha-!”

Your voice cuts off with this terrifying inner cracking sound that hurts like you just got shanked through the throat. You cough into your hand to get whatever the fuck is lodged in your throat _out_ and you stare down at your palm. There’s chunks of red in it. Your eyes go wide and you look up at Dirk.

“What now, cough up a dead relationship?”

You shake your head viciously and try to tell him that no, you just actually coughed up blood, but all that comes out it this wet wheezing sound. You try again and there’s a pop this time, but the same noise right after. Oh god you’re freaking out. There is literally no sound coming out of your mouth and everything hurts and you are gonna pass the fuck out. You try coughing again, and all that comes out is more blood, some of it dripping onto the table. Dirk stares at you.

“Dave that’s not funny.”

You shake your head again because Dirk you dumb fuck it’s not a joke. You shove your palm into his face and everyone else at the table lets out this comedic gasp that you would laugh at if you weren’t hyperventilating. He’s staring at your hand like you just coughed up blood, oh wait, you did.

Bro’s finally entered guardian mode and pulls you up by your shoulders. Dirk stands up quickly after the two of you.

“Dirk, grab some tissues, a notebook, and a pen. Get both of your coats and get back here. We’re going to the hospital.”

You turn around and give him a despairing look. He knows you hate hospitals. They’re bright and terrifying, but he gives you and exasperated face.

“Where else are we supposed to go, kid?”

Dirk comes back with everything falling out of his arms and he looks as terrified as you feel. Honestly you probably have the same look. Twin faces. Hah.

You take one of the tissues and wipe your hand in it before coughing again. There’s not as much blood and it all ends up in the tissue. You snatch your jacket from Dirk and pull it on before hunching your shoulders. You do not want to go.

“Bro, do you need us to-”

“Rose you should stay here. It’s gonna be crowded enough in that car and you can’t just let mashed potatoes go to waste.”

You forget you don’t have a voice for a second and laugh, but all you make is that gurgley wheezy sound again. Your hand slaps itself over your mouth. Dirk hands you the notebook and pen, still holding the tissues. Bro shuffles both of you to the front door.

“Don’t worry ladies. We’ll be back in no time.”

The door clicks behind you and Bro shuffles the two of you into the car. You’re trying to calm yourself down and also Dirk at the same time. You can tell he’s trying to do the same thing, just failing at both miserably. You take a tissue from him and cough into it. Way less blood than before, but you can still taste it. Okay nope don’t focus on that you’re gonna throw up if you focus on that. Bro’s driving silently but way over the speed limit. You’re actually kind of worried about getting into a wreck.

“Does it hurt?”

Dirk’s voice is quiet and scared. You give him a nasty look, you can’t talk, remember, before he motions down at the notebook. The pen scratches on the paper as you write.

‘A lot.’

It’s true. Your throat feels like it just got hacked into by a meat cleaver. Dirk takes your hand and you squeeze it tightly, trying not to focus on the fact that you can’t talk and that there’s blood cloaking your throat and your tongue and your teeth and your-

Okay fuck you’re going to throw up.

You write as quickly as you possibly can before shoving the notebook in Dirk’s face. ‘MAKE HIM PULL OVER’

“Bro pull over.”

“Dirk we’re almost at the hospi-”

“He’s gonna be sick!”

Bro does pull over then. You scramble your way out of the car and into some bushes and heave until your throat burns worse, but at least your mouth doesn’t taste like blood anymore. It tastes like bile, but Bro shoves a water bottle in your hand and you flush out the taste. Dragging yourself back to the car is hard, but you do it.

There really wasn’t that much more time until you reached the hospital, but vomit waits for no one. Dirk squeezes your hand so hard you forget about the pain in your throat because your hand is literally throbbing.

The lady working the counter seems annoyed that you actually have to come in on Christmas Eve, but you don’t fucking care. You just grab the form and sit down. Once you’ve filled it out and given it back to the woman, you sit there, idly tapping your foot and doodling in the notebook.

After what seems like forever, a nurse comes into the room. “Dave Strider?”

You stand up, gripping the notebook. Bro and Dirk move to stand as well, but the nurse stops them. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to wait here.”

Dirk looks like he’ll just follow you in anyway, but Bro grabs his shoulder. “Of course, ma’am.” She smiles at the two of them before turning back to you.

“If you’ll follow me please?”

You nod, taking a deep breath before walking after her.


	2. Dirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah another chapter

The waiting room chairs are stiff and uncomfortable. Honestly, they should make them cushy. People are in pain here you know.

This distracting yourself thing isn’t working. Your leg’s jumping a million miles a minute and you keep trying to focus on the patterns in this room. The ceiling tiles are that squishy school type, white and spotted black. There’s no pattern and you’re reaching, reaching to find some specific spacing between the dots and there’s nothing.

Bro puts his hand on yours and your eyes snap onto his.

“He’s gonna be fine, Dirk.”

You nod, but you’re not so sure. Dave can’t talk and there was a whole lot of blood coming from his mouth. And by putting those two together, it’s easy enough to see what happened.

There’s a buzz from your pocket and you drag your phone from your pants.

Roxy: how is he?

Dirk: Don’t know. Nurse wouldn’t let us back.

Roxy: well thats just rude

Dirk: Yeah well,

Dirk: whatever.

Roxy: its not ur fault you know. i know ur freakin out about that right now

Dirk: But it is.

Roxy: dirk

Dirk: Talk later he’s coming out.

You pocket your phone and stand up, Bro right beside you. The doctor’s with him, which you weren’t expecting. Dave looks like he might start crying. He’s clutching the notebook tightly with one hand and keeps readjusting his shades with the other. The doctor has this sickly sympathetic smile on his face. You want to slap it off.

“Mister Strider?”

Bro waves a hand. “That’s me.”

“I’m sorry to have to say this, but it seems that Dave has snapped a vocal cord. Hence the blood.” Dave’s shoulders hunch slightly. “Because of the damage, it is very unlikely that Dave will ever be able to speak again.”

You knew it. You knew he’d be mute. There was too much blood for him not to be. Bro goes up to talk with the doctor and Dave comes over and sits down.

“Are you okay?”

He starts writing before shaking his head no. You try thinking of some sort of comfort thing, comfort food, but your mind is making a blank and this is the shittiest fucking time for it.

“You want to get a supersized pizza with a shitton of toppings?”

He shakes his head again before writing. ‘doctor said no solid food for a few day so i dont fuck stuff up anymore’

“Well hey, look on the bright side. At least you don’t have to miss out on Aunt Lalonde’s mashed potatoes.”

 This earns you a small smile and another written response. ‘or AJ’

You feel stupid. So incredibly stupid. Of course apple juice is his comfort food drink thing, how could you even forget that? You fucking idiot. First you make him mute and then you forget his favorite thing, christ you’re a shit brother.

All of a sudden the notebook’s in your face and you have to back up to read it.

‘stop blaming yourself’

You’re about to say something when Bro claps his hands on both of your shoulders.

“Doc said you’re good to go, so let’s leave.”

Dave nods and closes the notebook, scurrying his way out the doors. You stare after him for a second before following.

The car ride back to your cousin’s house is silent. Dave doesn’t write anything and you’re looking at him worriedly. His fingers keep twisting together. When you reach the home, Dave doesn’t even bother waving to anybody and just goes straight to the guest bedroom you’re sharing and slams the door. Roxy comes up next to you.

“He alright?”

“Can’t talk. Ever. Again.”

“Oh Dirk.” Roxy has somehow gotten taller than you, and it’s evident as she envelops you in her arms. “You should go talk to him.”

“No.”

“You knoooooow he doesn’t blame you.”

“I know but-“

“You didn’t force him to start screaming at you.”

“Roxy-“

“No buts! You’re going to go talk to him.”

She shoves you towards the bedroom so hard you almost hit the door. Her face is encouraging, so you sigh and knock before entering.

You don’t see him at first. Only the beds and some sniffling from a blanket. Then you realize he’s _on_ a bed and _under_ a blanket. Crying, evidently, from what you can hear.

“Dave?”

The sniffling stops abruptly and a mass of blankets shifts and sits up. There’s shades and a splotchy face, but his body’s completely covered in blankets. You wring your hands before going and sitting down next to him. He drops his head on your shoulder and you hold him there for a while.

“I’m sorry.”

He huffs and shimmies out of your arms, reaching around for the notebook before grabbing it and writing.

‘not your fault dick prince.’

“Yeah but it kind of is. I kept goading you on.”

‘dude its not like you can control how much i strained my voice okay? its my fault so stop fucking blaming yourself’

Dave kind of sinks in on himself after handing you the notebook. You hand it back to him gently and he breathes out a long and very shaky breath. He takes the pencil and starts writing again. Just before he gives it to you though, he tries to cross it out, but you snatch the notebook from him.

‘what if john wants to break up with me because i cant talk?’

You look at him, and he’s got his fingers twisted in a death lock on the blankets. You shove his shoulder a bit to get him out of that nasty funk he’s got going on.

“Come on man, did you forget that quickly? I told you, John’s using you for your dick not your voice.”

That was supposed to be a joke. It was supposed to make him laugh. Instead his face wobbles and he buries himself deeper in the blankets.

“Aw fuck, I’m joking! C’mon Dave, get out of there.”

A single hand with a single finger up emerges from the blanket pile. You snort and yank him out by the arm. He glares at you through his shades and you just wrap him up into a hug.

“Seriously. He won’t want to break up with you because of this. As much of a goob as he is, he’s not a complete asshole.”

You feel your brother relax into the hug, finally, and hear a puff of air blow out of his mouth. You let yourself voice a soft laugh and push him back by the shoulders.

“You worry about stuff too much. No one’s gonna hate you because of your lack of a voice. I mean, you never talked in class in the first place, so your teachers should adapt just fine.”

He flips you off yet again, this time with both hands, and you grin. At least he’s taking your jokes as jokes now.  Dave grabs the notebook and starts writing again.

‘the doc didnt totally discount it. do you think id be able to get my voice back or no’

“Dave… He said it was very unlikely. I mean, I don’t want to completely smash your hopes but-”

He slaps his hand over your mouth. You don’t try to pull it off, don’t even try to stop him. You just let him sit there staring at you with his hand on your mouth. It’s a long time before he moves. And when he does, it’s towards the notebook.

The only thing he writes is, ‘go get in your own bed im going to sleep’

“Dave-”

He all but shoves the paper in your face. His hands are shaking so you comply. But instead of going to your bed, you slip out of the room. Turning the lights of behind you. You see him sink into the blankets yet again before you shut the door completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, here's this chapter. I have no schedule, so you'll just have to be on your toes for when i update. I've everything but the last couple paragraphs done for a while, but I just couldnt get myself to write. But, here they are!  
> I'm indifferent about this chapter, it was needed and i like it and i like switching views, so its cool i guess. What do yall think  
> IF THERE ARE ANY TYPOS LET ME KNOW


	3. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh look John actually exists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has come to my attention that some people have sore throats and are actually worried about ripping vocal chords because of this fic.  
> I have exaggerated a lot for the sake of angst, yeah? and literally it would take years of malpractice with your voice for this to even be a possibility  
> I'm talking smoking drinking screamo bands bad singing practice stuff like that. and even then its very rare  
> you guys will all be fine  
> (also look at me getting this chapter out in a reasonable time go me)

When Dirk leaves, you cover yourself in the blankets again. The lights are off and everything is dark, but does it even really matter?

It’s hours before you move. The only thing that spurs you is the insistent buzzing from your phone.

**John: merry christmas dave!**

**John: at least for you, hehe.**

**John: i’ve still got a few hours until then.**

**John: dave?**

**John: c’mon we both know you never go to bed before one.**

**John: is everything okay?**

**John: you always text back…**

**Dave: hey**

**John: finally!**

**John: i was getting really worried there for a second.**

**Dave: sorry**

**Dave: long night**

**John: is everything alright?**

Goddammit. Shit fuck dammit. You were hoping so hard that you could put this off. At least a day. Maybe even until you were back in Houston. But no. He’s so sweet that he messaged you Merry Christmas and you can’t even tell him what’s wrong.

**John: dave are you okay?**

**Dave: no**

**Dave: shit sorry**

**Dave: im not okay its not okay nothings okay**

**Dave: like there are set okayness levels and were just plowing right over them into no mans land**

**Dave: no getting out of this one commander your shit is screwed**

**John: woah woah woah calm down.**

**John: what happened?**

**Dave: its**

**Dave: its so fucking stupid its literally the last thing youre expecting**

**Dave: dirk and i got into a screaming match at dinner and i guess i fucked it up in the worst way possible because there was blood everywhere and im gonna spare you the gory details**

**Dave: i cant talk anymore**

**John: what?!**

**John:  are you sure? did you go to the hospital?**

**Dave: sadly yeah bro made me**

**John: is there any way for you to get your voice back?**

**Dave: slim to none**

**Dave: like take a piece of paper and look at the thin as fuck side and theres my fucking chance**

**John: …**

**John: it’s something?**

**Dave: ha**

**Dave: youre funny egbert**

**Dave: absolutely hilarious**

**John: you’ve got to be optimistic!**

**Dave: nah i think ill just sit around and mope**

**Dave: talk to you tomorrow john**

**John: wait, dave!**

Your phone is off and on the bedside table. The second your head is under the covers you scream into your knees. Nothing comes out but a dry wheezy crackling sound. It hurts, but fuck, you just want something, _something_ , to come out.

You think there’s more blood in your mouth but you just keep screaming into your jeans. Eventually Bro comes in to check on you and you’re still screaming, blood dripping onto the denim of your pants.He pulls the blanket off your head and you stop, willing yourself not to swallow the blood tanged spit in your mouth. There’s a sigh.

“The doctor told you this would happen. He told you not to irritate your vocal cords.”

You shrug and he pulls you into the bathroom connected to your room.

“Spit.”

You do, and then rinse out your mouth with water, gargling to get it all out and wincing when it hurts. You get your toothbrush for good measure and go through the whole process again. Resting your head on the mirror, you sigh. It’s a weird sound, the breath’s all there but there’s no background voice. It’s unsettling. You don’t like it.

“Shit Dave.”

You want to ask what but you can’t. Instead you turn around, wipe your mouth, and straighten your posture. Bro pulls you into a hug and you are so fucking confused. He’s supposed to pull you off your ass and tell you to man up, not hug you like you just got told you have three months to live. It’s not like you’ve got cancer.

But, it’s nice. You hate to admit it, but Bro hugs are rare and you like to make the best of every one, so you hug back. Resting your head on his shoulder and wrapping your arms around his back.

“You want to go back home early? Get John and all your friends used to this shitty situation?”

You nod because you really, really do. You’d like to get home as soon as possible, if only to be able to sleep in your own bed again. To get some semblance of normal back, because this? This entire situation is new. And you really don’t like it.

“A’ight then. We’ll leave after tomorrow. You just gotta get through Christmas and we’ll be back in Texas sweet Texas.”

You snort. There’s really nothing sweet about Texas, but it’s home and you like home. Bro lets you go and you give him a thumbs up and a nod before returning to your room. Bro follows, but only to leave. He flips the lights off again behind him. You flop face first onto your bed. Something urges you to turn your phone back on.

**John: dave?**

**John: i’m really sorry if i made you upset!**

**John: i was just trying to be optimistic but i get that you just wanted to spill to me.**

**John: did you turn off your phone?**

**John: geez i’m a shit boyfriend, making you feel worse than you already did…**

**Dave: dont say that**

**Dave: youre not a shit boyfriend**

**Dave: youre the best boyfriend and i was being a whiny prick**

**John: but you’ve got reason to be a whiny prick! you’ve got a lot of reason!**

**Dave: wow john way to tell a guy how you feel**

**John: ugh!**

**Dave: um**

**Dave: dont tell anybody**

**Dave: let me do that**

**John: of course!**

**Dave: okay good**

**Dave: i didnt think you would but i wanted to be sure**

**Dave: were coming back early like the 26 th early so if you wanna come over the day after christmas well be home**

**John: i’ll come, and i’ll bring movies and popcorn and your favorite apple juice, okay?**

**Dave: yeah**

**Dave: that sounds really nice**

**Dave: youve got my chest all swelled up over here you romantic dork**

**Dave: god i cant wait to be home**

**John: i can’t wait for you to be home either!**

**Dave: i love you**

**Dave: i love you a lot**

**John: i love you too, nerd.**

**Dave: i hope you and your dad have a bitchin christmas but i’ve gotta go to bed my throats killing me**

**John: message me tomorrow?**

**Dave: duh**

**John: okay good. talk to you tomorrow, and merry christmas!**

**Dave: merry christmas to you too john**

**Dave: night**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy yet again  
> i hope yall are liking this  
> cause i sure am  
> as always let me know if there's any typos  
> sorry this is so short only like 1,100 words  
> i had to finish it today or i just wasnt  
> idk im tired like really tired of everything  
> but not this fic!  
> so there are still updates! no hiatuses (yet) on ythis bad boy  
> the next chapet will be in johns pov so get ready for a HUGE FUCKIN NERD in the story


	4. John

Christmas at your house is always really cool! The first thing you do is presents, because even though your dad is patient, he’s kinda eager for gifts. Both of you are, so it works out. This year he got you a couple of video games, the deluxe edition of both the ghostbusters, and a huge poster for Interstellar (you’re way too excited to hang that up). You got him a fancy looking pipe-printed tie and the newest Betty Crocker cake mix. You’re both happy with what you’ve gotten, as you always are.

The two of you know each other’s interests pretty well.

But your dad must know something’s wrong because he doesn’t make you marathon Christmas movies until family comes over like the two of you usually do. He lets you sulk off to your room to finish things up for Dave’s present tomorrow.

The two of you have a tradition of making each other CDs. But not just normal mix tapes, full on original piece CDs. You’ve been doing it since the two of you were eleven and knew how to burn CDs.

But now, things are kind of different. You’ve got no doubt that he’s had yours done for weeks. He gets stuff like this done early. Not that yours isn’t done! It’s just, you want this one to make him feel better. It will anyway, but you’ve got a perfectionist kick that is nearly insatiable.

As you sit down at your keyboard, you think. About what songs you’ve made and what bits would fit together. And then you hit record and just… play. You really hope Dave likes this, because it’s possibly the best thing you’ve ever made. There are a couple of slip ups, but he’s told you that he prefers it when you don’t make things perfect. Because it’s more like you’re playing there rather than a recording. You’d gotten all smiley and wouldn’t let go how a-fucking-dorable he was for the rest of the week. Then he ignored you for a solid two days until you apologized.

Your song ends at about six minutes. Longer than usual, but you think he’ll get it. You hope so, at least.

After transferring the file to the CD the rest of the things are on, you sit and think for a second. It’s noon here, which means that it’s one in New York. Dave’s told you before that their family always gets open ended tickets, so getting back tomorrow shouldn’t be a problem.

Now you just have to wait for him to get back, which is going to take forever. But at least you’ll have family to occupy your time. Getting together with Jane is always fun. She still lives up in Washington so the two of you only get to talk by message.

Speaking of messaging, you need to send a Christmas message to Dave! You know you already sent one last night, but it’s still Christmas morning, which calls for a Merry Christmas.

**John: hey dave!**

**John: i know i already said it, but merry christmas!**

**John: i can’t really talk much this morning, we’ve got family coming it, but i hope your christmas morning went okay.**

**Dave: hey thats kinda ironic, seeing as i cant really talk long either**

**Dave: lots of packing to get done**

**Dave: but yeah it was a good christmas**

**Dave: rose got me a bunch of dead shit**

**Dave: its actually really good taxidermy but thats beside the point**

**John: well, that’s awesome!**

**John: you are going to love my gift, i can’t wait to give it to you.**

**Dave: same here**

**Dave: youre gonna absolutely flip your shit at mine**

**John: well i look forward to it!**

**John: now you get to packing so you can get home sooner, and i’m going to get say hello to jane, because their car just pulled up.**

**Dave: aight bro**

**Dave: you go say hello to your totally hot cousin and im gonna go drink some goddamn eggnog**

**John: ew dude don’t call my cousin hot!**

**Dave: what can i say shes got the curves that make me go hot damn**

**John: if i remember correctly, you’re dating ME not jane.**

**Dave: who knows man**

**Dave: your cousin might steal me away with her womanly wiles**

**Dave: and then where will you be**

**John: ugh dave just go pack!**

**Dave: alright my baby**

**Dave: alright my honey**

**Dave: alright my ragtime gal**

**Dave: im assuring you that im still super gay for your plush ass**

**John: dave.**

**John: i was never worried that you weren’t still gay for my plush ass.**

**John: im worried that i am not going to see you tomorrow because you’ll be late for your flight because you won’t go PACK!**

**Dave: fine geez i mean if youre using that tone then i guess i have no choice**

**Dave: talk to you tonight?**

**John: well duh!**

**John: just because jane’s here doesn’t mean i won’t talk to you too.**

**John: you worry about the weirdest things, dave!**

**Dave: nobody ever said the word worried did i say worried no i did not**

**Dave: im keeping you from your bangin cousin so im gonna go now**

**John: sigh.**

**John: alright i’ll talk to you tonight, okay?**

**Dave: yeah man thats okay**

**John: love you.**

**Dave: love you too, nerd.**

You pocket your phone and swing your legs off your chair and start heading downstairs. You’ve got a long day of family ahead of you.

-

With Jane in your bed and you on an air mattress in your room, you listen to the sounds in the dark. Jane’s asleep, has been for about half an hour you think. Your uncle’s down in the guest bedroom and dad’s in his room. Everyone’s asleep but you, you think. And you don’t mind. It means you get to text Dave in private silence, undisturbed. Speaking of which…

**John: hey are you still up?**

**John: family time went way longer than expected.**

**John: also i had to take like three showers because these pranks are vicious.**

**John: dave you fell asleep didn’t you.**

**Dave: what no i didn’t fall asleep i was getting ready for bed come on egbert chill**

**John: oh hey! i didn’t really expect you to be up, really.**

**Dave: why sleep when i can talk to you**

**John: okay that’s cute.**

**John: but really you probably should go to bed.**

**John: you’ve got a plane ride home tomorrow and you probably need rest for your throat to heal…**

**Dave: john can we just**

**Dave: not bring that up for a little**

**Dave: i know its gonna be glaring you in the face tomorrow and itll be impossible to ignore then**

**Dave: but i just kind of dont want to think about it until then**

**John: of course!**

**John: ignore the fact that i even brought it up.**

**John: so what did your brothers get you for christmas?**

**Dave: oh yeah those nerds**

**Dave: they tag teamed it and got me a couple new lenses for the camera and the newest update to photoshop so its pretty awesome**

**Dave: also they got me a giftcard to starbucks so i can fulfil my destiny of being a hipster white girl by taking pictures of my coffee**

**John: that’s really cool!**

**John: i’ve seen some of the edits people have made with the newest photoshop and they look really good.**

**Dave: i cant wait to try it out once we get home**

**Dave: what about you what sweet loot did you rack in**

**John: dad got me the deluxe edition of both ghostbusters movies so you better be ready for some ecto slime tomorrow!!**

**Dave: oh god no**

**Dave: give my will to bro because im going to die from the sheer nerdiness of the covers**

**John: oh come on they’re not that bad.**

**John: you love watching ghostbuster with me!**

**John: sometimes when you think i’m not listening you even hum the song alongside the movie.**

**Dave: i do not**

**Dave: dont slander my name with that accusation egbert**

**Dave: never have i once done that in my entire life.**

**John: okay, but you totally have.**

**Dave: if i say im fine with watching ghostbusters will you never bring this up again**

**John: yup!**

**Dave: i am so excited for ghostbusters with you john i have never been more excited about anything in my life**

**John: well awesome!**

**John: i can’t wait to watch them with you tomorrow.**

**John: speaking of which, tomorrow would come faster if you just went to bed.**

**Dave: yeah i know**

**Dave: but i cant talk to you when im racking up my sleep points**

**John: what is it with you and all this romantic stuff these past few days?**

**John: i mean i’m definitely not complaining but it is a little weird?**

**Dave: im not going to answer your question until tomorrow because this is a good conversation and id like to go to bed on a good note**

**John: oh fine you keep your secrets, but i’m going to bed so that i can experience dave strider in full tomorrow and you should too.**

**Dave: but john**

**Dave: i experience dave strider in full every day**

**John: GO TO BED.**

**Dave: alright fine pushy pushy**

**Dave: ill see you tomorrow babe**

**John: good night!**

**Dave: night**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHATS BACK BITCHES  
> this chapter took so long for no other reason than  
> "But i dont wanna wriiiite"  
> but here it is  
> theres actually not a lo tof john thoughts but theres a little so i cant just call it characterless chatlog so yee  
> i am okay with this and the next chapter shouldn't take so long to get out


	5. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's titled "i tried to explain this chapter to my friend and she thought john drugged dave for sleepy boyfriend cuddle"

The morning of the 26th, you wake up three hours before your alarm’s set to go off. Nothing really causes it. Dirk’s in the corner tinkering with something he got for Christmas, and you’re used to sleeping through those noises.

This is the first time you’ve seen him relaxed since Christmas Eve. He’s just been shooting you worried glances since you got back from the hospital. Speaking of which, he’s looking at you now.

“Hey.”

You give him a small wave.

“How long have you been up?”

The two of you spent most of yesterday memorizing the alphabet in sign, per Rose’s suggestion. It’s actually really helpful, being able to spell out quick phrases. You sign a quick, “few minutes,” to him.

The nod you get is undeniably tired. His shades are halfway down his face and you can see how dark the bags under his eyes have gotten. You stand up and pad your way over to him. Dirk turns back to his project, until you pull the pieces out of his hands.

“Dave–”

You cut him off with a hand in his face as you grapple around for a pen with the other. Once you find a working one, you scribble down on a paper.

‘youve been up since 5 am christmas EVE. go to sleep’

“’m not that tired. You’re the one that needs sleep.”

‘you put the wrong set of wires in’

He checks over the metal and drops it and his head onto the desk. “Fuck.”

You drag him into a standing position and pull him over to his bed. He sits down and scrubs at his eyes, shoving his shades to the top of his head. You grab them and set them on the table beside you. Dirk lays down and covers his face with his hands.

“You go back to sleep, too.”

You sigh and nod when he spreads his fingers to see your response. You flick off the lamp he had on and make your way over to your own bed. The moonlight illuminates the room softly, bouncing off the snow.

“Dave?”

You turn to look at him.

“I’m really fucking sorry.”

You start to sign something but he stops you.

“I don’t want you saying it wasn’t my fault or whatever you’re trying to do. I just. I shouldn’t have kept going after you started coughing. I should have realized something was wrong and I just-“

He cuts himself off with a breath that’s meant to be measured, but it shakes around the edges. You get up and sit next to him, giving his shoulder a comforting pat. He gives you a despairing look.

Eventually, your head falls onto his shoulder in place of your hand as you start to fall asleep. There’s a sigh in your ear and then you’re out.

-

By the time your alarm goes off, Dirk’s gone and you’re in your own bed. You sit up, slamming your hand on the off button and scrubbing at your eyes. Dirk walks in. You can tell by his face that he didn’t get any sleep.

“Roxy made breakfast, so we’re leaving right after that.”

You give him a thumbs up and he leaves, presumably to get his morning eggs that he never really eats. You get dressed, shoving your PJs in your already too full suitcase. The smell of bacon assaults your nostrils and you don’t care that you’re not meant to eat solid food that shit’s going in your mouth.

Rose hands you a plate, well aware of your disregarding of the medical advice. 

Food is inhaled quickly and hastened goodbyes are held. You make it to the airport in record time, and security check goes surprisingly well.

Before takeoff, you shoot John a quick text saying you’ll be home in about 2-3 hours and if he still wants to come over he can. Music comes through your earbuds as the plane takes off, slowing the growing anxiety that comes with flying. Dirk’s head keeps dropping next to you until he’s finally asleep. You let yourself sink into the music, not realizing it’s John’s until the second track. You smile to yourself and stare out the window. As much as you hate flying, the view really is spectacular. The clouds are all pink and orange with the sunrise.

You don’t realize you’ve fallen asleep until Bro shakes you awake.

“We’re here.”

You nod, yawn, and shake Dirk awake. You spell out a quick ‘here’ and then a ‘sorry’ for waking him up.

You know he hasn’t been sleeping lately and when he does, it’s never for long.

He wave you off with an, “It’s fine.”

The three of you make your way out of the terminal and pile into a taxi. The ride home is, predictably, silent. You flop onto the couch the second you get inside. Your phone buzzes in your pocket.

**John: hey! i’m guessing you’re home by now, at least i hope so.**

**Dave: yeah plane ride went alright**

**John: am i good to come over or do you guys want a little recuperation time?**

**Dave: get your ass over here what do you think this is**

**John: hehe alright!**

**John: i’ll see you in a bit, okay?**

**Dave: yeah**

**Dave: dont forget that apple juice**

**John: wouldn’t dream of it.**

You sit back and kick off your shoes. Bro comes up and hands you a small cup with medicine-y looking stuff in it. You shoot him a questioning glance.

“Cough syrup. Medical grade shit. Doc said we should get some for your throat. There wasn’t any at your Aunt’s and I knew we had some here, so I figured we’d just wait.”

You pull a piece of paper and a pen from your pocket and ask, ‘whats in it.”

“Medicine, syrup, I mean it’s medical grade so there’s codeine, but other than that I’ve got no fuckin’ clue.”

You eye it warily before drinking it, gagging at the taste. It cloaks over your throat and you’ve got almost instant relief. Your Bro nods and walks away.

Dirk’s made his way into his bedroom and you hear the sound of metal somethings hitting together. You’re dicking around on your phone and you realize that you’re starting to feel tired. Like really fucking tired. Your head starts nodding with the effort to keep it up.

A knock on the door startles your out of your stupor, and you get up to open it. John’s standing there, movies in one hand, apple juice in the other. You grab both from him, set them down on the table by the door, and pull him into a giant hug. He laughs in your ear and it’s the best sound you’ve heard in days.

“Well hello to you too!”

 You flick him on the back of the neck to get him to shut up because he is honestly so comfortable and you could fall asleep on his shoulder, it’s like god granted him pillows instead of a clavicle-

He pulls you back by your shoulders and looks you straight in the eyes. “You okay?”

You open your mouth to respond before realizing that nothing will come out. You snap your jaw closed and nod instead. He gives you this sympathetic smile and you hope he gets fucking over that because you cannot stand pity looks.

John squeezes your shoulder before picking up the stack of movies. “Okay so I brought a couple of your favorites; Ghost Busters, Witch Hunter, Failure to Launch.”

You huff and he laughs again.

“And I mean who could forget Starsky and Hutch?”

You grin at him, because obviously he’d bring your favorite. But looking at the pile, he only named off four and there’s five cases. You reach for the unlabeled one on the bottom, but he pulls them away.

“That’s for later.”

It’s obviously your Christmas present. His is in your bedroom. You roll your eyes and go get cups for the AJ. He’s already setting up Starsky and Hutch, so you go and sit down, pouring you both cups. He sits next to you and takes his, drinking a sip. You snuggle into his side and down about half of your juice in one go. His arm comes around your shoulder and you rest your head on his pillow clavicles again.

John pulls the glass from your hand and you think you hear him say something, but you are too interested in closing your eyes and smushing your face in his shirt to hear him. You feel him move and then you’re in an even more comfortable position on top of him, laying your head on his chest. You vaguely feel your shades get removed before your mind is wrapped in nothingness.

-

You’re shaken awake, and you really do not want to wake up, so you just curl around John tighter and squeeze your eyes shut tighter. The perpetrator laughs a bit before unsticking you from him. You blink your eyes open and give him a death stare. He laughs again.

“Dave come on. I had to wake you up. I’ve gotta text my dad whether or not I’m staying the night tonight.”

You groggily pull the paper and pen from your pocket.

‘can you?’

“Well duh! Why do you think I’m asking?”

You shrug and roll your eyes, remembering your shades are off halfway through. He laughs when you stop and you love him and his laugh so goddamn much. John texts his dad something that you presume says he’s staying over and turns to look at you.

“Well, now that we’re done with one sleep session of a movie, I want to ask you something.”

You know your Bro’s lurking around, trying to snoop in on your conversation, so you write, ‘not in here,’ before pulling him up and into your bedroom. He grabs the apple juice and the unlabeled DVD case before you close the door, closing off your brothers.

“Is it good now?”

You nod.

“Okay! Well, last night you said you didn’t want to say why you were being all romancey and stuff, but I really want to know, what’s wrong?”

Shit. He wasn’t supposed to ask that. You really don’t want to answer, and you have the capability of that. You could just not write anything down. But he’s looking at you with that look that he gets when he’s really concerned and you hate it when he uses that look. It always works.

You sigh before grabbing a notebook and a pen from your desk. He follows you, items still in his hands before he sets them on your desk.

‘look’

‘i really fucking love you okay’

‘youre perfect and wonderful and i really really love you’

John puts a hand on your shoulder, but you don’t stop writing. You’re on a roll.

‘youre so fucking perfect, and i mean dont get me wrong so am i the world is blessed to have been graced with dave strider’

“Dave, come on!”

‘i didnt say it enough’

He stops whining at you. You can feel how tense the air is and how rigid your body is and how still his hand is.

“…What do you mean?”

‘i didnt tell you all of that enough. when i could talk. i never said that stuff directly to you. it was always offhanded at some random moment and it didnt seem like it meant anything’

‘im sorry’

“What? Oh god don’t be sorry Dave! It doesn’t bother me, really!”

That shouldn’t make you upset. It should make you relieved, if anything. But you can feel white hot pricks in the corners of your eyes and your throat gets all choked up. He doesn’t catch on right away, but when he does, he gets all mother hen on you, pulling you into a big hug and asking you what he did wrong.

You want to tell him nothing, of course he didn’t do anything wrong. All you can do is sound like you’re choking on nothing as you bury your head into his shoulder. You cry because even though you know he won’t, you’re still terrified that he’ll leave you because you can’t talk.

He unhooks from the hug and you’re still sniffling, so he grabs you a tissue and the notebook.

“What’d I do? Should I not have said that?”

You shake your head and blow into the tissue. It’s fucking gross, but you don’t even care.

‘not your fault its me being stupid’

“Dave, just tell me what it is.”

‘fuck’

‘im just scared of this stupid thing thats not gonna happen like i know it wont happen but theres the slightest chance it could’

“What?”

‘im afraid youll just’

‘leave’

‘because im not what you want anymore’

‘oh shit daves mute he cant talk to me anymore that fucking sucks’

‘i was only with him for his elaborate too long metaphors’

‘now that thats gone i guess i should leave too’

‘god damn i dont even care about him anymore he never even said i love you he probably never cared in the first place im so much better without him’

You’re biting your lip to keep from crying and John’s looking at you with this look of shock and sadness and you think he might start crying too. Fuck you fucked up.

“You think I’d do that?” His voice is so quiet you can barely hear it.

‘no!’

‘no no no i dont think youd do that’

‘oh god fuck i explained that wrong’

‘im just worrying about nothing i know you wont do that’

‘shit’

‘i just got scared that if i didnt say i love you enough youd leave’

“Dave I love you! And I know you love me back don’t worry about that.”

He doesn’t look like he’s going to cry anymore, so that’s a plus in your direction. He scoops you up into another hug and you sigh, breathing back in what smells like apple juice and mints and just John. And fuck you’re fucking star struck with this boy and you’re so lucky he loves you, so lucky he _still_ loves you. And as he runs his fingers through your hair, you can feel that worry of whether or not he’ll leave you slip away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi  
> i'm sorry this took so long  
> this chapter is over 2,000 words long  
> he's so out of character  
> i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my second attempt of a multi chapter fic!  
> the title happens to be lyrics from a Radical Face song titled 'The Mute'  
> this is really just self indulgent angst that i hope you like


End file.
